A couple of days ago marks the 40 day point in my practice of Releasing Childhood Anger and Insecurity (two seperate meditations).
I have since discontinued practising the Meditation to Release Childhood Anger.
I must tell you that was one of the most challenging meditations I’ve done thus far. It wasn’t challenging in the same way Kirtan Kriya was (meditation from hell) but in another sense. This was one where holding the posture was a challenge for me, where concentrating was a problem, where there was internal resistance to what the meditation had to teach me.
Sometimes I would sit down and feel A LOT! Other times, especially from twenty days on I would sit and feel nothing but struggle to stay focused and in position.
That being said I can’t tell you a lot of vocal lessons that I have learned from it. I learned that I was (still am?) angry at both of my parents and at myself.
At different points through the challenge I found myself whispering mentally or aloud my forgiveness to these parties and others I don’t know now. I had one experience where I was surprised to hear myself whispering “Childhood is not your fault.” over and over again.
What part of me would think childhood is my fault? What part of me was holding onto all of this anger without me knowing about it? What part of me holds onto the consistent blaming of my father when I am (was?) angry at both of my parents and myself?
It calls forward self-forgiveness and as I trace my lack of self-love and low self-worth backwards I can see that there was a part of me that took on the blame for all sorts of different things that happened in my childhood. A part of me felt heavy from that time because even though there were instances that had nothing to do with me as a child they had everything to do with me. I simply wasn’t given time to process the event nor was it explained to me, so it was left as an experience I was to be blamed for.
And I see how my actions of self-sabotage and lack of self care come back to that self-laid blame and guilt trip I was unconsciously playing out in my life. I see that it was unnecessary. It has caused so much harm not only to myself but also to the people around me. I haven’t done terrible things but when I get caught up in my own story and drama that matches someone else’s story and drama we support each other in self-harm.
My definition of self-harm in this case is thinking of stories/thoughts/ideas that do not elevate us but instead keep us wrapped up in the victim story most of us seem to inhabit in some area of our lives.
These are deep, deep patterns that dictate to most of us our daily interactions with ourselves and extend out into the world. Their ripple effect is profound.
I remember, at one point during this meditation, living with a family, and it was like I was having an out of body experience. I saw my dad, my mom and me in very similar dynamics, though not as extreme. I witnessed and felt I handled it very well. I was feeling proud of myself, maybe I’m working out my daddy issues (in conversation with him I will explode quite quickly), maybe this means I’ve done a lot of healing I was thinking…
Then I talked to my dad.
In minutes I was yelling and thinking “What is going on here? I thought this wouldn’t happen again?”
I laugh now and shake my head. The Universe will always open your eyes to where more shifting would be a good idea. 😉
Reflections on Getting Rid of Insecurity Meditation
This meditation has astounded me.
I was never expecting this meditation to have the affect that it did on me. I wanted to do this meditation because in my last romantic relationship, which ended in May of this year, I had seen so much insecurity come up in myself and I couldn’t stop it as much as I tried to. I felt like a mess in the relationship sometimes..
After the first meditation I felt an intense calmness. Then I witnessed how despite it feeling like my life was falling a part in different ways I still felt calm in my day to day life. I witnessed a huge difference in my life before the 40 days was up in the amount of calmness I interacted with the world.
There developed inside of me what feels like a deep steadiness. Its one step at a time, a slow relaxation into my life, and a knowledge that its all going to work out. There seems to be a knowledge rising up into me, slowly, over the past week that anything I desire can happen, with the right actions and intentions.
There’s been a huge shift in my priorities in my life as well. I went through a phase of asking myself what do I really want in life? What do I really want my life to look like? What do I want to experience in life?
I have been wanting to move to California, to San Francisco, for the last year and a bit and had worked out a plan to do that next year, but now I questioned even that plan. So I found one place that felt like my home – but what about the rest of the world? Are there other places that feel like my home that have wonderful people but also have a government that is in more alignment with my own values?
I examined why I want to do the things that I want to do, and the goals that I hold for myself. I held them up to my own values and what I like to do and based on all of this self-examination changed what I’m wanting to do and where I want to go.
Then I had to come to be okay with the fact that my choices are going to be different than the choices my friends are making. It took me a couple of weeks to be okay with this fact.
During that time I also read two financial books and decided to implement a new financial system that would allow me to (hopefully) retire a millionaire and early if I can manage it.
I had to accept that the way I want to view money will, again, set me apart from my friends, and perhaps, I will have to find new friends. And a part of me is really sad about this. Another part of me is really excited about this new adventure.
I learned insecurity effects all parts of my life. It was a huge player in the game of anxiety and panic attacks I had regularly in my life. And while I know all of us have insecurities and are experts at hiding them, they were so large for me that they took over my life. Now that I see them receding I’m surprised at how much they created my life and who I am.
I plan to continue doing this meditation for however long feels right. I feel like I need to keep practising it for a while longer in order to ensure I keep with my new goals. 🙂