Completion of 40 Day Childhood Anger & Insecurity Meditations | Reflections

Tags

adventure, anger, challenge, change, childhood, choice, daddy issues, finances, friends, goals, insecurity, Meditation, money, patterns, realignment, self forgiveness, self sabotage, self-love

A couple of days ago marks the 40 day point in my practice of Releasing Childhood Anger and Insecurity (two seperate meditations).

I have since discontinued practising the Meditation to Release Childhood Anger.

I must tell you that was one of the most challenging meditations I’ve done thus far. It wasn’t challenging in the same way Kirtan Kriya was (meditation from hell) but in another sense. This was one where holding the posture was a challenge for me, where concentrating was a problem, where there was internal resistance to what the meditation had to teach me.

Sometimes I would sit down and feel A LOT! Other times, especially from twenty days on I would sit and feel nothing but struggle to stay focused and in position.

That being said I can’t tell you a lot of vocal lessons that I have learned from it. I learned that I was (still am?) angry at both of my parents and at myself.

At different points through the challenge I found myself whispering mentally or aloud my forgiveness to these parties and others I don’t know now. I had one experience where I was surprised to hear myself whispering “Childhood is not your fault.” over and over again.

What part of me would think childhood is my fault? What part of me was holding onto all of this anger without me knowing about it? What part of me holds onto the consistent blaming of my father when I am (was?) angry at both of my parents and myself?

It calls forward self-forgiveness and as I trace my lack of self-love and low self-worth backwards I can see that there was a part of me that took on the blame for all sorts of different things that happened in my childhood. A part of me felt heavy from that time because even though there were instances that had nothing to do with me as a child they had everything to do with me. I simply wasn’t given time to process the event nor was it explained to me, so it was left as an experience I was to be blamed for.

And I see how my actions of self-sabotage and lack of self care come back to that self-laid blame and guilt trip I was unconsciously playing out in my life. I see that it was unnecessary. It has caused so much harm not only to myself but also to the people around me. I haven’t done terrible things but when I get caught up in my own story and drama that matches someone else’s story and drama we support each other in self-harm.

My definition of self-harm in this case is thinking of stories/thoughts/ideas that do not elevate us but instead keep us wrapped up in the victim story most of us seem to inhabit in some area of our lives.

These are deep, deep patterns that dictate to most of us our daily interactions with ourselves and extend out into the world. Their ripple effect is profound.

I remember, at one point during this meditation, living with a family, and it was like I was having an out of body experience. I saw my dad, my mom and me in very similar dynamics, though not as extreme. I witnessed and felt I handled it very well. I was feeling proud of myself, maybe I’m working out my daddy issues (in conversation with him I will explode quite quickly), maybe this means I’ve done a lot of healing I was thinking…

Then I talked to my dad.

In minutes I was yelling and thinking “What is going on here? I thought this wouldn’t happen again?”

I laugh now and shake my head. The Universe will always open your eyes to where more shifting would be a good idea. 😉

Reflections on Getting Rid of Insecurity Meditation

This meditation has astounded me.

I was never expecting this meditation to have the affect that it did on me. I wanted to do this meditation because in my last romantic relationship, which ended in May of this year, I had seen so much insecurity come up in myself and I couldn’t stop it as much as I tried to. I felt like a mess in the relationship sometimes..

After the first meditation I felt an intense calmness. Then I witnessed how despite it feeling like my life was falling a part in different ways I still felt calm in my day to day life. I witnessed a huge difference in my life before the 40 days was up in the amount of calmness I interacted with the world.

There developed inside of me what feels like a deep steadiness. Its one step at a time, a slow relaxation into my life, and a knowledge that its all going to work out. There seems to be a knowledge rising up into me, slowly, over the past week that anything I desire can happen, with the right actions and intentions.

There’s been a huge shift in my priorities in my life as well. I went through a phase of asking myself what do I really want in life? What do I really want my life to look like? What do I want to experience in life?

I have been wanting to move to California, to San Francisco, for the last year and a bit and had worked out a plan to do that next year, but now I questioned even that plan. So I found one place that felt like my home – but what about the rest of the world? Are there other places that feel like my home that have wonderful people but also have a government that is in more alignment with my own values?

I examined why I want to do the things that I want to do, and the goals that I hold for myself. I held them up to my own values and what I like to do and based on all of this self-examination changed what I’m wanting to do and where I want to go.

Then I had to come to be okay with the fact that my choices are going to be different than the choices my friends are making. It took me a couple of weeks to be okay with this fact.

During that time I also read two financial books and decided to implement a new financial system that would allow me to (hopefully) retire a millionaire and early if I can manage it.

I had to accept that the way I want to view money will, again, set me apart from my friends, and perhaps, I will have to find new friends. And a part of me is really sad about this. Another part of me is really excited about this new adventure.

I learned insecurity effects all parts of my life. It was a huge player in the game of anxiety and panic attacks I had regularly in my life. And while I know all of us have insecurities and are experts at hiding them, they were so large for me that they took over my life. Now that I see them receding I’m surprised at how much they created my life and who I am.

I plan to continue doing this meditation for however long feels right. I feel like I need to keep practising it for a while longer in order to ensure I keep with my new goals. 🙂

Pull Together Class | Class Plan ~ Heal the Planet | Quartz Crystals

Tags

heal the planet, healing, heart, kriya for elevation, Kundalini, kundalini yoga, Meditation, pull together, quartz crystals, Teacher, teaching, yoga high

Today I subbed for Sat Kaur at the Moving Center in Nelson, BC. I had planned to fundraise for the Pull Together Campaign, but had a whirlwind week of moving around and working (I’ve received three jobs now + artist work + yoga classes!). It’s a lot and I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed but also excited too!

I worked later than I had planned to and had only a half hour to pick up some items before my class and open the studio. Thank god this city is tiny! Class started at 5.30 and I arrived at only 5.15 but the students were all still arriving.

I began this class with a moment of meditation for both the students and myself. I had felt harried as I set up the quartz crystals and tissue boxes and changed to my teaching clothes. Then, after saying the Teachers Oath ( I am not a man, I am not a woman, I am not a person, I am not myself, I am a teacher), I opened the class.

This week half the number of students came out: only 3, but it was a beautiful class. I explained what I was fundraising for Pull Together and the entire class proceeds would to go stop the pipeline from being built. I invited them to set an intention for that class to send energy to heal the people who desire the pipeline or to the planet herself, and to place that intention inside the small quartz crystals I had set up at the front of the room. The quartz crystals were free for the students to take and bury in the Earth or just to keep around if they wanted. They were meant to be a seed of healing energy for the Earth or whomever has them.

I guided the students through Kriya for Elevation, and the meditation was direct to healing the Earth with Ra Ma Da Sa Say So Hung – this version.

For the first time in my teaching career a student cried in my class. And two of the students approached me to compliment my class. I felt so honoured.

Both times I taught on Wednesday evenings I had felt a pain in my heart, similiar to a broken heart, including today. I’m not sure what it means, but I sit with it each class, and use it as a reminder to go into my heart as I teacher, instead of being in my head. I can get nervous and forget to speak. This class I felt into the class repeatedly and used my feeling as my guidance to speak and with what to say.

It was lovely. I didn’t realize how much of a yoga high I had until I was walking to the grocery store and had a huge grin on my face I couldn’t wipe off. “Please, Universe, more of this, more opportunities to teach like this, please.” I prayed mentally.

One Year Anniversary of the Blog | Reflections on a Practice | Community

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classes, community, first post, grow, Kundalini, kundalini yoga, Kundalini Yoga Teacher, life, one year anniversary, practice, reflections, siblings of destiny, Teacher, training

Guess what! I missed the one year anniversary of this blog!

It was November 4th, with a post titled: Kundalini Yoga is a Game Changer.

It’s really cool. I never thought I would continue the blog past my yoga teacher training but the response I’ve received since I began this blog excites me. It shows me there is a need for this kind of information, and for this kind of personal sharing of what happens with Kundalini yoga.

We are all in this together. Yet when the Teacher is in the Teacher mode, that’s what they are (and that’s an amazing embodiment!). When we come together for classes many rush back into their lives wondering. Curious. Do other people experience these things too? Is it like this for everybody?

Personal experience of the kriyas, beyond what Yogi B has taught us, beyond what the books say, beyond what the wisdom is from what we’ve studied is what bonds us. My personal experience that matches yours or is similar to yours is a connection we have, something we can both relate to, something we can converse about.

And we, the practitioners, know: the intensity of this practice. The nuances, the highs and the lows of this practice. We know the different communities surrounding this practice. We know the light and we can see our darkness. Radiance.

I wasn’t expecting when I began this practice to find myself in such a strong spiritual community (sanghat) spread out across the world. I wasn’t expecting to meet my “siblings of destiny” as Guru Raj would call our classmates. Who knew this would happen?

The way I practice is not traditional in most senses: I don’t usually dress the part, I still don’t know how to tie a turban, I’m not Sikh, I regularly use crystals in my practice. (I’m a bit of a rebel!) Yet there still is a huge community accepting me.

And you know what?

It took me a while to accept that I was part of the community and this communities presence in my life. I resisted it and created separation.

And I still do in some areas of my life.

But this community, the Kundalini Community, where Self-Initiation is part of the path, where your guru is within you, and your radiance is as bright as you allow it to be. I’ve come around to fully accepting that this community exists, and as a yoga teacher, it is my foundation.

And I grow more and more in love with the people, the yoga, and the practice each day as I challenge myself. I am seeing more and more the effects of my daily practice, the clearing, the shifts of life, and the way my vibration effects people.

It’s beautiful. I’m really in love with this part of my life right now. As much as life changes and I change and both reflect each other, I am really in love with my practice. 🙂

I pray all Beings can find their practice to fall in love with ~ to create acceptance ~ to change ~ to elevate ~ to love ~ to Be In. ❤

Crystals for Saram Pad | The Novice | The First Stage of the Spiritual Path

Tags

amazonite, amethyst, blue aventurine, citrine, crystals, discipline, fancy jasper, first stage, motivation, novice, obedience, onyx, path, petrified wood, practice, quartz, rose quartz, saram pad, selenite, spiritual journey, the novice, transformation, turquoise, zoisite

I am sooooooo excited to be presenting this next series of posts to you! I’ve been thinking a lot about them and its simply come down to making the time to write them. 🙂

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The Top Crystals for Saram Pad: The Novice

Welcome to the first stage of the spiritual journey, according to Kundalini Yoga as Taught by Yogi Bhajan – Saram Pad: the Novice.

Essentially this is the part of the journey we all experience. It is where we are beginners and we are inspired to be on our path. We are learning and exploring something new. We have very little experience but we are excited! We follow the rules of the path we are given, and do our best.

In The Teacher’s Manual Yogi Bhajan says:

“A novice must cultivate obedience, motivation and discipline.”

When we come onto a new path or even begin a new pursuit of any kind these qualities are absolutely necessary if we wish to proceed and grow whatever the skill is we have. These expand out into all areas of our life. If you want to be a doctor you go to medical school (obedience), study for the exams (discipline) and graduate (motivation), right?

So it is with a spiritual path. Not all of us are seeking enlightenment but whatever drew you to the path will often shift away and motivation goes with it. Sometimes we will find new motivations and sometimes we don’t and we drift. These motivations are what carry us through the challenges and the hard work a spiritual path can often be.

Most paths require discipline because it is through habit we establish norms in our lives. As we establish norms we grow the seeds of our practice. Through our discipline we create a fertile soil for the work to be done, karmas to be erased and rectified, and to create a sustainable elevated frequency to operate from in our lives. Our practice grows stronger and deeper with each passing day we do it.

It’s much easier to learn when we are obedient to those who have come before us and who step into place as our teacher. We can learn faster that way, walk the path they have already tread, and come to know ourselves and the practice deeper. In our obedience we will find ourselves developing traits considered to be “spiritual”, which I like to call “more human”, naturally, as we learn to listen, experience and serve.

So what crystals can support us in this stage? What crystals can help us keep a beginners mind, create faster learning, and give us discipline? Which crystals can help elevate us to the higher realms?

Five Crystals For You

Amazonite: truth teller, speaking the truth, personal truth, boundaries, aligning the inner with the outer and vice versa.

Amethyst: gateway crystal, helps heal addictions/bad habits, helps in meditation, transmutes negativity, protective.

Blue Aventurine: self-discipline, shifting bad habits, helps one take self-responsibility, self-empowerment.

Fancy Jasper: Grounding, helps one to “just do it”, calms the mind.

Onyx:  helps integrate spiritual insights and ideas, helps with discipline and will power, keeps one focused.

Zoisite (with ruby): Strengthens the connection between mind & heart, promotes growth and healing on all levels, helps with ‘rebirth’  process, energizing, opens the heart, teaches surrender.

A Few Bonus Crystals: Selenite, turquoise, clear quartz, rose Quartz, petrified wood, citrine.

This list is by no means an exhaustive list of this part of the spiritual journey. It is however, when I reflect on it, a list of common crystals that help in the beginning of a spiritual journey. Everyone is a bit different so you may feel called to work with minerals not on this list. That’s okay.

These are the minerals that many people are attracted to that begin to open up a whole other world to them. Most of these are easy to find and easy to work with. They will bring you out of this world experiences yet help you stay inside this world.

Most importantly they will help you open up, shift, stay focused, and do what you need to do to get to where you want to go.

What crystals do you find you were first attracted to in your journey?

 

 

Releasing Childhood Anger & Insecurity | Meditations

Tags

anger, childhood, crying, dad, emotions, fear, forgivness, growing up, insecurity, mom, power, release

HOLY CROW!

These have been really intense for me! I am twenty days into doing a daily practice with both of these meditations, and have been following the videos by Catalyst Yogi.

Here’s the link to Releasing Childhood Anger.
Here’s the link to Getting Rid of Insecurity. 

Let’s talk about Releasing Childhood Anger first.

I decided to do this one because of my intuition. As I mentioned in a previous post, I had made the connection between my relationship to the masculine and the flow of money. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had some challenges in my personal relationship to my dad. In my logic, beginning to work through what is held in the childhood would be a good start.

My dad is the first experience of male energy I had on this planet in this life and my mom is the first experience of female energy. All the patterns I’ve held in relationships I’ve attracted into my life have, usually, some root in the childhood connections I made with those energies.

The first week I was lucky if I could get through this meditation for eleven minutes without having a break down of some sort. I had to become okay with the fact that I would spontaneously cry when speaking with anyone (in a new city so it was mostly strangers). I was crying every day, as I had feared, but it wasn’t that bad.

I was also in a pretty dark depression (see previous post). I’m not sure how much of that depression was from the emotions processing and from life circumstance versus the effects of this meditation. I know there were several days I was weeping, saying, “I’m pretty sure this is happening because of my meditation practice.”

I’m now twenty something days in, and I feel lighter, like something has shifted. It’s a good day I can make it to 11 minutes. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me. Most days I have a leaky nose and leaky eyes, heat moving through my body, energy shifting, and I find myself mentally talking to the images I see of people I know (mom and dad included), finding forgiveness. Sometimes I am talking to myself, too!

One of the main things I saw in this meditation was the power dynamic of a child growing up. I saw on the left a parent, in the center a box labelled power, and on the right a child. The power sits between the two, and as the child grows up the parent gives increments of power to the child. The child who receives a healthy amount of power as they grow up create a healthy sense of self. The child who’s parent doesn’t relinquish the power in a healthy way has a tendency to grab for power, revolts, and rebels, etc.

The insecurity meditation amazes me almost every day. I cannot believe such a calming mediation exists! In the meditation I don’t necessarily feel calm when I start, but usually by 11 minutes I’m lost in the meditation with no worry about anything else. I feel connected to myself and like everything is going to be okay.

As someone who struggles with anxiety who has not experienced even three quarters of the normal anxiety in the situation I am in right now the past month this mediation is a godsend. I originally did it because I recognized in relationships with partners I had patterns that stemmed from insecurity (even though I tried to hide it!).

I wasn’t expecting it to take away my anxiety too! It makes sense though when I think about it.

I definitely recommend these meditations! I’m continuing to 40 days and beyond. We will see how long they feel good to do. 🙂

What is your current practice?

Depression

Tags

depression, emotions, energy, job, meditating, Meditation, moving, nelson, nelson BC, opportunity, practice, Vancouver, yoga

There are several segments in today’s post ~ look for the headings. 🙂

This is a very personal post. It does not have a lot to do with the yoga practice, per se. If you are looking for meditation and kriya how to’s and the such you will find them in other posts. This is like a journal entry.

Depression ~ The Realization

This past month, October, was a very challenging month for me. I had ample time to work on the projects I love, like writing on this blog, but I found myself in a deep depression for most of the month.

Thus, I was unmotivated, unhappy, with crazy mood swings and energy levels to boot. And no will to get up in the morning and my sleep pattern getting crazy, in the sense it was easy for me to sleep twelve hours in a single day.

Depression has come off and on for many years, and for a long time I didn’t know what this thing was. It was a thing I struggled with but always just made myself deal with life. Always just made myself get up. Made myself too busy to feel it. And disconnected myself from my body and my experience.

It wasn’t until this year, as I lay in savasana one day, questioning myself what was going on. What was this thing where I felt I had no will? What was this thing that caused me to retract from others and hermit? That made it hard to get up in the morning even though life is happening? The answer came to me: Depression.

I called one of my friends, who has a history of dealing with depression, and we talked about it. She confirmed my intuition, and it let all these pieces fall into place about my life and my experiences. It brought me back to the list of self-care items I had made a few years ago in a women’s program.

Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute I had to make conscious choices that would bring me out of the deep dark whirlpool of this emotional sticky tack. I had to move myself slowly and be okay that my best one day would not be the same each day. I had to make lists of the things I did each day so I could see I was moving forward in my life and making changes.

The Opportunity

It lasted for about three months. I really began to feel like myself again in late August and September, even though my anxiety was quite high – I was having trouble finding work.

Late September I received a dream job offer. It required I move to a new city, Nelson, BC, but the promise was a good wage, work in alignment with my passions (crystals!!!) and work that would help me to build a career.

I was excited! Everything lined up easily for me to move there, and I felt supported. I felt like things were finally flowing for me, and I could breathe again. I felt the abundance coming towards me, and it overjoyed me. No more worrying about the rent. I will become financially stable. Yes. This felt goooooood.

The Trigger

I took a quick working vacation I had planned months in advance for a week, and crashed at a good friends house when I came back for a few days. I had to organize the details. I called my new employer to arrange my start date, and he informed me he had sold his gemstone collection.

Which meant my job was gone. {Learned: ask for a contract when moving cities}

I didn’t know what to do. Do I still go to Nelson, where I had already shipped my things? Do I stay in Vancouver and keep working as a barista on Granville Island and try to find a new place to live?

I decided I would go. I decided I would check out Nelson, BC. It had been one of the easiest moves I’ve ever done, easier than moving in Vancouver, even! I had never been there but many people had expressed how much I would love it and how much they would love to live there.

Arrival

I landed in Nelson around October 11th. It was a new city, and I was grateful for a room I had sublet for the month of October and then some. Where I was to live in about a month is also an unknown. Almost immediately though I was struck by a deep dark depression. It was one of the ugliest I had experienced in a while.

I was shocked at the low energy I was experiencing (and still do experience) and the mood swings I had. I couldn’t believe how cloudy it was here, and how short the sun stays out. I couldn’t believe how I did not want to get out of bed.

I love the synchronicity that seems to brew here effortlessly though. I love how all the people seem to be on similar levels – its not a stretch to talk about crystals, yoga, or meditation. It’s a norm. I love how every second person tells me about crystal caves. I love the friendliness and the slowness of time.

Meditation Practice

A while ago I posted about the Masculine Energy and Money. I posted there I had a line up of meditations to do to help me move through my issues with the masculine. About three days after arriving in Nelson, I began that practice, despite my fears that I would cry everyday.

I’m not sure that this practice triggered the depression. I’m not sure if my depression would’ve been as deep if I had not been doing this practice. I know for certain now that I have health issues that need to be looked at that are causing a loss of energy in my day to day life.

Doing yoga and meditation when I am depressed has sometimes been the most challenging thing I can do in a day. But after I do it, I usually feel better. I feel motivated. I feel like I can handle the world again.

It can totally shift how I feel and how I interact with the world. It is so simple, yet it can be such a challenge. It is one of my self-care practices to do yoga and/or meditate every day. It provides me with a sense of grounding. No matter what is happening in a day I have one thing available that is consistent: the ability to turn inwards.

Read Part Two Next Week! Part two details the meditations for Releasing Childhood Anger and Insecurity.

Kundalini Yoga Meanderings in a New Town | Nelson, BC

Tags

class, community, Kundalini, kundalini teachers, kundalini yoga, nelson, nelson BC, sat kaur, sat kaur studio, teachers, teaching

Image done by Jodie Ponto

I’ve been meaning to write here for a while. There are few things I’ve noticed since moving to this new city ( I moved to Nelson BC October 8th):

1) There is one studio to do Kundalini Yoga out of: Sat Kaur Studios*. All the other studios tell me to go the teacher at this studio. Sat Kaur, is a wonderful maternal woman, who has been so kind and a blessing to me living in this new city. I have received the opportunity to sub one of her classes mid-November. I’m so stoked!

*If you are local you will know her classes at the Moving Center. 🙂

2) Since moving here I’ve felt the call to do more yoga with others. In Vancouver it was rare you would find me in a class. Partially it was because of transportation to/from the studio was far, partially it was because I found myself staying away from public transport as much as possible, partially it was because I couldn’t pay for the class and partially it was because I had my own practice and liked it that way.

Yup, those were all my excuses. Lol.

Here, I want to connect with others in any way possible. I want to build a community I know, love and trust here. This is not a big city. There are two Kundalini yoga classes in Nelson regularly. These are Pay What You Can. The classes are a 15 minute walk from my current home. There is not much to keep me from going to a class!

I’m quite enjoying practising in group settings. 🙂

3) Nelson is craving Kundalini Teachers. When I introduced myself to Sat Kaur one of her first questions was: Do you want to teach? Of course! I responded. And now that ball is rolling. We will see how it goes. I’ve heard from her and another teacher that Nelson needs teachers!

The community here seems large and diverse of Kundalini Yoga teachers and participants. There is definitely a familiarity with the practice. I went to one party and everyone knew about Kundalini yoga, and almost everyone had gone to at least one class. Which is pretty awesome!

It’s pretty cool. I’m excited to see where it will go! I will have a weekly class at The Women’s Centre at the end of November I’m excited about! I’ll add a link to the class info when it’s all set up. 🙂

Have a great night!

P.S.
I am personally really enjoying the slower pace offered in this smaller community and the walking distance between things – I love it! The small town feeling is great. I’m manifesting living in a place similar to this with lots of heat and sun though ~ being in the middle of the mountains is not my ideal. I have an understanding of why I’m here though ~ Watch for the next post! 🙂