The other day I found myself communicating in a rather harsh way to a new person in my life presenting a new and exciting opportunity. She handled me very wisely and I appreciate her wisdom, however, when I got off the phone I thought to myself, “What was that about?”
I checked in with my body and realized it felt tight and tense in areas that should be relaxed. My jaws were clenched, my shoulders held up, my nervous system shaking. At least I think it’s my nervous system. I felt into the anger that I’ve been feeling come up in my day to day life increasingly.
I realized I’m tired of trying to convince other people of my value. It seems like I’m consistently doing that as a writer, a yoga teacher, a nanny, an entrepreneur, a dancer, a partner, even as a friend. In all aspects of life I walk around trying to convince people I’m worth something of value to them.
The question followed: What do I need to do to convince myself of my own value?
My mind became blank. I don’t know the answer to this question. It’s a very important question though. I’ve been witnessing my value and acknowledging my value for the last month since realizing I don’t value myself. This feels like another layer though: I’m tired of convincing myself and others of the value that I have.
In the silence I decided I need to do yoga. There my answer will come. Or at the very least all the tension and anger in my body aching to be released will be gone.
Yoga in the Park
I headed over to the park, direct to my favourite spot to do yoga, praying it would be available. With gratitude I pulled out my mat and sat on the dock breathing in the fresh lake air as the sun played on my skin and water. A duck swam up to me looking for food.
I closed my eyes, tuned in, and began my daily meditation series, which includes quite a bit of chanting. The dock moved each time a person or dog walked on it. Their energies shifted my meditation or I shifted their energy. The smell of a joint filled my nose. I couldn’t help but wonder how the meditation was affecting the person smoking the joint. Flies landed and walked on my skin and I tried not to move.
The smell disappeared replaced by the fresh water scent of the marshy lake. A presence came onto the dock and I could feel immediately intense curiosity directed my way. I kept still, focused on my meditation, even though the presence was a huge distraction. I want to look at who it is!
Finally complete I open my eyes to find a middle-aged man whittling a stick. He looks up from his work, “Do you mind if I sit here?”
“Do you mind if I do yoga?”
“Not at all.”
After a moment: “Your chanting was beautiful. What was it you were singing?”
I explain to him Ashana’s Healing Ancestral Karma meditation and we sit in quiet for a few more minutes. His curiosity is intense.
“Would you like to do yoga with me?” I ask.
“Yes.” I smile at his excitement.
He tells me he’s been recommended yoga for his injuries from an accident and that its his first time doing yoga. I explain to him Kundalini yoga, and choose one of my favourite sets to do, Morning Sadhana.
We tune in, and find our sweet spot. The set takes fifteen minutes longer than usual because we stop and chat between postures. We talk about yoga and he tells me what is happening in his life. I’m honoured and I know I’m hear to listen and to introduce yoga to this man. What better way than on a dock on a lake as the summer sun is setting across the water and trees swaying behind us?
During the set I’m amazed at my body. My body has retained flexibility I wasn’t expecting it to since I stopped doing physical kriyas for about a month. It felt great to move in my body in that way – stretching, elongating, flexing, strengthening each muscle. Paying attention to the way my body is moving and where its tight, where the breath goes, where I unconsciously hold myself “together”.
We end our time together, and he says, “Wow. This felt really good. You beat me up you know? I’m going to be sore tomorrow.”
I smile, “That was an easy set.”
He laughs. “Wow.”
I know I have a lot to offer. I can see it in my day to day life. I feel like its often not recognized though nor is it helping me pay my bills in many cases. It’s an internal conflict and I don’t know all the answers or where to go from here. I feel it inside of me, like I’m cracking a code to a safe, slowly but surely the layers unravel to reveal more.
It all works in tandem. If I don’t see my value, others don’t. If I don’t take actions to recognize and honour my value, others won’t. I feel like as this shifts I will find myself stepping into the true abundance the Universe has to offer because I will see my worthiness.
What can I do to help with this?
What are your thoughts on this? Do you have any suggestions for kriyas or meditations or other ideas?