I have this irrational fear that I am going to fail this Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training and not become a Kundalini Yoga Teacher. I can’t tell you why.
I can tell you that every time I hand in my homework (three times so far I think) I’m scared I’m going to get into trouble and they aren’t going to like my opinions.
I’m scared that every time I go to yoga class I’m scared they are going to view me as rebellious (even though they view the whole class this way) and not suitable to be a yoga teacher.
I’m scared that they aren’t going to like me and therefore not pass me.
It seems to me that my passing is due entirely to the discretion of the teachers at Yoga West. I could be wrong about that. But that still freakin’ terrifies me.
In lieu of my fear I began to procrastinate and not practice teaching the kriyas – self-sabotage in action. My best friend reassures me constantly “You are doing the homework, you are doing the yoga, there is no reason for you to not pass.”
“But what if?” says my mind, as irrational as her mind telling her she’s a crappy yoga teacher.
Maybe this is happening to all of us inside the class right now. Those fears that we hold that keep us back from being who we want to be are coming up for us to deal with.
And strangely I feel prepared for it.
I mean, Kirtan Kriya was hell, and now I’m on approximately day 80 of doing this meditation from hell that has turned into a soft gentle practice before I wish the world good night.
Through the meditations and the study of the mind, the ego and the heart it’s become really clear who’s running the show when and how to shift it. I’m not always successful at shifting it, but it feels good to know that I can.
So today is my day I devoted to making sure I practice teaching the kriyas, one of the most important parts of being a yoga teacher, and get caught up on the reading.
There is no reason for me to fail this class as long as I keep up and break the patterns that hold me back, one step at a time.
What are you scared of failing? Is it an irrational fear like mine? What will you do to ensure you don’t?